Louder now.
I’ve come to conclusion with myself that I need to start finding happiness in the things that I enjoy doing. I obviously can’t rely on my friends anymore. I’ve been spending a lot of time to myself lately, more time than I’ve usually committed to myself. It’s relieving in a way.
I don’t want to be like 90% of my friends that aren’t going anywhere in life. I’m so glad I’m over the pot-smoking stage, and hardcore partying phase. My head is clearer than ever, and I’m ready to accomplish a lot of my goals. I don’t want to have to worry about being broke because I spent my last $20 dollars on a sack of pot that’ll only last me a few hours, or a couple of days. Trust me, I know a lot of people like that. It’s just not worth it anymore. I’m soo over the high school bullshit that I get from some of my friends, even the ones that graduated the same year as me! It’s pure comedy.
On the other hand - FLAKES. I absolutely cannot stand a flake, at all. Especially, if you’ve flaked on me more than a few times this year. Don’t make plans with me, if you can’t even commit. I rarely ever flake. I don’t want to waste other peoples times, so please, don’t waste mine. It just boggles me how some of my friends make plans with me a week in advance, to just let me down at the very-last-minute. Like, okay, it makes no sense. Not only that, but I hate the lies that go along with flaking. Please come up with something more original, and clever, because I for one am not stupid.
Lastly. You know those friends that get into a relationship with someone, and completely forget about you? But then the moment they break up, you’re back in their life? It’s rediculous. I shouldn’t have to wait for your relationship to end, for ours to resume again. It doesn’t work like that for me anymore. What a way to be a shitty friend, seriously. After everything that I’ve done for a few of you that do this to me, this is how you repay me? No more.
I have absolutely no time for anyone that fits in the three categories above. If you can’t figure out what those ‘categories’ are, let me break it down for you. losers, flakes and shitty friends. Got it? Good. I am not going to set myself up anymore to just be let down. I find myself more angrier than ever, and it’s just not worth putting time into friends that don’t give a shit about me and my feelings, and my time. So good riddance to you!
For anyone that doesn’t know me, I’m not a mean person at all. In fact, I care about everyone that I meet. It’s just shitty that people that I’ve known for a few good years, seem to just no longer care about me. Kinda sucks, but hey, people drift apart all the time. I’m finally realizing this, and accepting it. It’s life.
I’m gonna make damn sure, that the dreams that I have in the back of my head, will become a reality. The people that I want in my life in the end of all this, will really be happy they stuck around. I have a game plan for everything that I do, and now that I am more focused than ever, nothing, nobody, can stop me. My desire to succeed is stronger than ever.
Even though it is hard for me to stand on my two feet again on my own because of Kevin’s death, I will make my life worth something. I will make him proud, my family, and even the people that I’ve pretty much let go. I will make them wish they were still in my life. I’m doing it all for me, for Kevin, and for my family. Boo-yah.
& I truly hope that for those who really do have dreams of being something, anything. You find the strength and courage to move on and let go of whatever is dragging you down, and just do it.
Edit/ Let me make this clear as well. This isn’t a personal attack on anyone. So please stop thinking about yourself for once.
Reassuring.
It’s helpful, and comforting to know that their are other people that feel the same way about missing Kevin.
Still, to this day I am missing him more than ever.
Testing the strong ones.
I’ve been very productive lately. Today I almost finished my photography Myspace account. I really like how it turned out. I am also thinking of getting the d300 instead of the d80. We’ll see though…
I need to find new friends. A lot of the ones in the area are so full of drama, or we have absolutely nothing in common. I’ve been so bored lately, and not having anyone to really talk too. It’s late nights like these I wish Kevin was around, I would talk to him for hours, but now the nights are so lonely.
Everyday my life is starting to get back together, slowly. Although, I still think about Kevin, all the time. Shit, every other couple of minutes I find myself thinking about him. I get so happy during the day, and it all gets shot down back to depression mode. I just really, miss him. His friends have been so helpful, I can’t thank them enough. I just really want him back, and I know that’ll never happen, but it’s something I’m just not wanting to accept. Knowing me, it’ll take me awhile to try and move on. I’m getting my tattoo for him in a couple of weeks, I can’t really describe it, so whoever reads this will just have to wait till I post some pictures.
Faith.
Growing up, I was raised in a Catholic family, I’ve always had faith in the Lord, even when times were dark, I’ve always had faith. Lately, I’m not sure what to believe though, these past years I’ve been drifting away from the Lord, and having so many questions, that aren’t able to be answered. After Kevin’s death, I’ve felt like my faith has been renewed. I pray every night now.
I just want to believe, that we all go to a better place in the end, and are able to be happy with our loved ones. I just want to be able to spend time with the ones who loved me, and was a joy to have in my life. My grandma and Kevin for example.
All I can do, is have faith that the Lord is in fact, real, and just believe that in the end, I will be reunited with the ones I hold close to my heart.
The celibate life.
I’ve been thinking a lot about my future, and where I want to go, and what I want to do. I know I want to do something with art. Whether it be graphic design, photography, whatever. Something along those lines would suit me well, I think.
Or, I would like to do something with public relations. For example, club openings, celebrity parties, etc. I think that would be a blast, and I would be great at that. Moving to LA will help me achieve those goals, I already know it.
As for moving on, I don’t really know where I stand at my current job. I know I do above the average, but it just doesn’t feel like I’m getting the recognition that I feel like I deserve. I know I should be moving up, but whether it be personal differences, grudges, etc, whatever it is, has kept me back, and is setting me up for failure. Something I wont have.
So, I really don’t know what I want to do, I love working with the people that I converse with, but others I don’t really care to see everyday. I’m thinking about my last day. I don’t know if I should be publicly telling everyone at work, but whatever. I am honest, and thats how I live. I’m thinking July 11th, a month from tomorrow. We’ll see though, this is about the 10th time I’ve actually thought about leaving. I’m just so stressed out from everything that has been going on lately, my mind is in limbo state to process anything more.
I’m starting to find little things that help motivate me again, and are keeping me alive. If I didn’t, I would be miserable, forever. It’s hard though, when someone who helps motivate you is gone, it’s hard to start on your own. I find myself spending money left and right to help get my mind off of things, and to relieve some stress. On top of it, I’ve been searching for ideas, listening carefully to lyrics, and finding stuff inside of me for the tattoo I am getting for Kevin. I want it to be perfect, because I wont settle for less, especially him. I need a vacation.
Drive.
I guess you can say that I have a lot of drive today.
It felt like Kevin was with me today. I had so much motivation, and desire to do so much today, it’s even shocked me. I’m very humble as well, and I haven’t felt like this in awhile. It feels good to be happy for once. (Even though, I am a bit disappointed the new iPhone didn’t come out today.)
Tonight, Ashliey and myself went to our favorite sushi place, Ra. Damn that place is delicious. So, so good. Afterwards, we went to Pinkberry. It was her first time, and she seemed to like it, or so she says. I love that place, it’s such a good refresh.
Anyways… We also talked about moving to LA next year, and I am so excited. I really hope it happens, and it’s something that I will actually work really hard to do. I want my life to start now. I want to be able to do it on my own, and not really have to rely on my parents anymore. I have so much energy and drive today, I want to find something that will open my doors to new opportunities. If I keep this attitude up, I know something spectacular will come my way. You know what they say about us Capricorns. ;-)
Tomorrow, is a new day… and tomorrow I will seek out the things that I need to become successful. :-)
You = irrelevant.
Just letting the few of you know who try and start shit with me over the Internet.
Don’t bother wasting your time becuase I don’t care. Try and make your life worthwhile, and do something productive.
You know who you are. :)
I’m finally starting to feel better about going out, and doing things. I’ve been to the gym two times this week so far, and it’s an improvement over the last month. I hope things will start getting better, no rush though. Time heals everything.
I bought Cloverfield today in Blu-Ray, and it reminded me of Kevin. Yet another thing in my life that reminds me of Kevin. -sigh- I just miss him so much.
I have nothing really important to talk about tonight. Goodnight.
The season of illusion.
I’m starting to feel helpless. Like nothing is going to get solved. It has too though, For Kevin, for his family, and for us; his friends… I am trying to think of so many ways to try and help out, with anything, but I feel like their isn’t much that I can do… I need to be strong, and pray and have faith that it’ll all be solved…
It just sucks how bad things, happen to amazing human beings. So rare he was.
On top of being stressed out, and not getting much sleep lately, I’m starting to get a cold. My throat is starting to get sore, and I am already dreading waking up tomorrow because I know of the pain that I’ll be in…
Oh, and I keep forgetting to mention this, but I am just so tired of everyone having peace and love on their myspaces, bodies, whatever. It’s so sad that something that basically stands for unity, is starting to become a fashion statement. It’s ridiculous. Practice what you preach people.
Finding home again.
Even though these days are seemingly getting better and worse at the same time, I need to stay focused, and live my life accordingly. I need to remember all the memories, and good times I’ve had with Kevin, and keep those in my heart forever. Somedays, I feel like giving up, and hoping something terrible happens to me. Just so I can see him again. I can’t think like that though, because it kills me inside. I’ve been thinking about my future a lot and what I want to do, and what people I want in my life that don’t have negative energy. I can’t have any of that anymore. I need to stay focused, and just do what I want to do now. I’m sure Kevin would want myself, and all of his other friends and family to enjoy life, and just be happy. I will try and do that to the best of my ability. I am finding home again.
After I get the new iPhone next week, I should be able to have enough money in a few more weeks to buy a Nikon d80. Something that I’ve really wanted for awhile now. I want to start getting my stuff together to go to school. I’m sick of working at a “job”. I need a career, something that I enjoy doing. I’ve already got all these great ideas on what I want to do with the camera, so many shoot ideas and I already have a few friends that are willing to model for me. I’m excited, so that is something that I can look forward to in the upcoming months.
You may, or may not of noticed a few changes that I’ve done to my blog, I plan on doing a few more changes eventually, but I’ve just been so overwhelmed with everything going on, I haven’t had much time. I want to finish my project for Kevin so I can be able to print it out in HQ paper, and give it to his friends, family, whomever. I still have to finish Rachel’s ad’s for her company. I haven’t even started.
Till next time…
Goodbye May.
For a month that was shaping up to be a good one, was unexpectedly the complete opposite in a matter of a few days. So, I am finally glad that this month is over. I need to try and stay strong for the next few months, so I can get focused again on school, and work. It’s just so hard though. I cried so hard today, I haven’t been able to cry because I’ve cried so much these past few weeks, but today I just couldn’t help myself, they all just came out.
I keep telling myself that it’ll be okay, and that I will grow from this. But the way that I am dealing with it, I am just at a loss. I am losing my mind. I just can’t stop crying today, and no matter what I do I am just so upset.
Kevin, I need you. We all need you. This is just to hard for me, and I don’t know how much more I can handle. These tears are endless today, and who knows how much longer. Every day it feels like it’s getting just a little bit easier, but at the same time, I feel like it’s getting so much harder. I don’t know how to explain it.
It’s not helping either when I have the most bizarre dreams ever with you in them. I pray every night Kevin, for someone to shed some light on what happened to you. I just need to know because the things that I’ve thought up in my head, kill me inside.
If you actually know me, I’m never, ever this emotional. Ever. It’s something I never wish to deal with again, because this pain is just too much. It kills me that someone like Kevin, who was such an amazing person, a true friend, and someone you could just lean on if you had any problems, had his life just end like that. Unexpected.
I mean, I wish I was in some horrible, horrible nightmare, and that it would end. But as each day passes by, the likeliness of that fades away.
I can’t even listen to a song without thinking about him. Watch a movie without thinking about him. Their are just SO MANY things that we had in common, that I could relate too, which keeps reminding me of him. I will never, ever forget him. I have faith again that I will meet him again someday, in another world. But for now, I must suffer, and weep here.
Limbo.
Everyday it gets just a little bit easier after Kevin’s death, but at the same time it feels like it’s only getting harder. I just feel so empty, and lifeless. I’ve been moody, and bitchy at people at work, and it’s totally not on purpose. I just have no desire to do anything anymore, or really talk with anyone…
When he was alive, he gave me so much motivation, and so much hope. Hope for something. Something I could work towards. But now, I am at a loss at life. I need to figure out what to do now, and how I will do it. I just need my friends, and good energy around me to get me focused.
I also pray, every single night for some closure to this situation. I hope they find out who he was with/what he was doing on his last days. I hate saying that, “his last days” it’s so depressing.
I’ve been listening to a bunch of inspiring songs for some inspiration on that tattoo I am going to get for him. I’ve got a bunch of good ideas, and I can’t wait to get the final result, and post it on here.
Fack Kevin, I miss you so much.
Everyday feels the same.
After getting absolutely no sleep last night, and having to drive my car around to calm down around 2 in the morning because of drama at home, and just crying over Kevin. I am emotionally exhausted.
It was nice going out with a friend today, and have some sushi. I’ve been craving it for weeks, so I enjoyed myself for once. I am trying to do so many things to just get my mind off of things. It’s just so hard.
Calli and I attempted an adventure over at Blackstar again, but we got scared. We walked down the path awhile, and we thought a truck was coming (It’s a closed road.) so we ran super fast back to my car. I was so drained. It ended up being people on bikes just riding the trail. Awkward.
I pray every night for some sort of closure to this shitty situation. I just hope someone comes clean about all of this, or something gets resolved to shed some light on his family and friends. The things that I’ve come to think in my head, break my heart so much. I need some assurance to know what the hell happened, some light to get rid of the darkness that consumes my mind.
