Hi there, I am Jaybot.

I'm done.

Sun, 14 Sep 2008 23:06:19 -0700

With this website, to my followers, and people that visit the myalternativemind.net domain, I will be transforming that domain into my personal portfolio.

i don’t know when this link will expire, but to get back to here, you can access it at http://iamjaybot.tumblr.com, and to all my blog followers, i’ve migrated to a more personal place. see you again.

Keeps gettin' better.

Wed, 10 Sep 2008 22:58:00 -0700

Man, I had such an intense workout! I was in such a trance, I just didn’t feel like stopping. I am so sore, but it feels great. I’ve made such amazing progress with how my body is shaping up to be, I’m just trying to shave off a few more pounds, and get a little more lean and toned up for the Pink Snails Crew end of summer party part two on the 20th, last years was a blast and I’m sure this one will exceed expectations.

So yeah, all is well right now.

My night at the 2008 MTV VMA's

Mon, 08 Sep 2008 11:04:47 -0700

Yeah yeah, I know I’ve been bragging about it a lot, but how many of you can say you’ve been to the VMAs? - Thats what I thought.

So this is how it all went down:

We arrived at the Gower Studios parking garage, waited a little to board the bus to head over to Paramount Studios. When we arrived we ran into Spencer, and Heidi and I yelled “I LOVE YOU HEIDI!” and she waved. She’s so cute in real life, team Heidi for the win.

We then proceeded to the backlot to go and rehearse for the Jonas Brothers performance, which was pretty fun. Once the show finally started, I think it was like 45 minutes till they came on, and we were apart of that crowed that was running, and basically everything you saw on TV. Afterwards, we went to the finale area, which was set up so beautifully in the end, the lights, the sound, and the effects were outstanding. Watching Kanye up close was amazing too, now that I think about it, I really enjoyed his new song.

So last night was def. a night to remember. I cheered so loud when Britney won all of her awards, she totally deserves them. I find it funny that people are saying MTV rigged the awards because she did so bad last year, they had to make her feel good. Uh, right. MTV needs Britney Spears, not the other way around, so please — don’t get it twisted. Oh, and I also heard some people said she was still fat, please, whatever you’re smoking, doing, whatever, lay off it because it’s impairing your vision — retards.

:-)

Fri, 05 Sep 2008 22:44:18 -0700

So I’ve cut my hair, and I’m already loving it. I can’t stop playing with it, and just staring at it. It’s such a dramatic change for me, and I didn’t have any second thoughts doing it. I knew what I wanted, and I’m very happy with the end result.

Toni and Guy are such amazing hair artists, I reccommend them to all.

I’m already feeling more confident, and everyones saying that they love it. I’m happy.

New and improved, and sayin’ thank you very much!

Fri, 05 Sep 2008 22:42:42 -0700

New and improved, and sayin’ thank you very much!

If I had a shotgun, I'd use it.

Fri, 05 Sep 2008 00:12:00 -0700

I’m sure anyone that reads my blog knows how hard it is for me to fall asleep every night.

Well surprise surprise here I am again, ranting to the world about my incosiderate brother, and his girlfriend, always talking up a storm every-fucking-night.

If it isn’t the garage door opening up one night to come into the house (ever heard of the front door, people?), it’s the repetitive arguments the other nights that wake me up. I could go on, and on, and on about how fed up I am of this place, but nothing ever changes around here.

It’s fucking rude, it’s old, and it’s really just annoying now. When will people ever just, i don’t know… GROW UP, and stop being so damn, i don’t know, RUDE?

I have a busy day tomorrow (I should’ve said today, to be a more techinal about things), and I’m really just not in the mood for it right now, at least. I’ve been getting the worst sleep ever, and I know what the problem is, THEM!

Funny, actually it isn’t - right before I hit the publish button I already hear them arguing! Like I said, it’s fucking rude, it’s old, and it’s just really annoying now.

Fuck you.

Oh, and another thing. Who the FUCK in their “right mind” thinks it’s okay to text you at 11:30PM for some song suggestions for a damn CD? Even after telling that person, over, and over again that you don’t do anything during the week because of work! Are you people really that fucking stupid?

Do you stupid fucks have a SINGLE BRAIN CELL left up there, or are you just plain stupid?

I'm a riot.

Thu, 04 Sep 2008 22:28:00 -0700

So I’m going to do something drastic, and it’s going to work out really well, or I’m going to end up looking like a complete idiot for a couple of months. I’m talking about changing my hair - drastically.

I use the word ‘drastically’ because it’s going to be such a change, I’m not sure it will look all that great, or even how I’m picturing it in my head. Whatever, if worst comes to worse, I can always just pull a Britney, and shave it all off. Everyone I’ve showed pictures of how I want to do it, say it will look good, but I don’t know if I can trust them all that well.. But oh well, I’m going to do it anyways.

On another note, I’m getting so skinny. I’m finally feeling more comfortable with myself, and my weight. I’m feeling great. I’m going to be so hot for my 21st birthday, just wait and see.

Tomorrow is payday, and man I am looking forward to it - not really. I doubt I’ll be able to get anything for myself this check, I really need to payoff my credit cards, I really fucked myself with those.

According to my 2008 astrology guide, Sept. 3rd to the 5th are suppose to be my luckiest days of the years, I bought a lottery ticket yesterday and didn’t win. I’m going to buy one tomorrow in hopes of a win - that would be nice.. Free cars for everyone! ;D

FUCK the internet.

Mon, 21 Jul 2008 22:52:56 -0700

I don’t know what the hell is going on with our internet, but I can’t seem to upload anything without taking ages! I originally wanted to go back to my main domain, but I attempted an upgrade, but I couldn’t complete it because it takes aeons to upload a single file. Something isn’t right, and I’m really fed up of trying it over, and over again.

Everything better be up and working 100% tomorrow morning. I wanted to upload something I made for my photography project, but even that took forever, and failed, and timed out when trying to upload.

I spent a lot of money today. I bought a lot of cute shit, and I am pretty damn content overall, I just wish the lady over at Perfumania didn’t charge me twice for my items, now I gotta go back tomorrow to get a refund, such a hassle.

Progress.

Fri, 18 Jul 2008 21:32:00 -0700

I’m so fed up with my job, I can’t even stand to be there anymore, at all. I’m at the point where I’m taking all of my frustrations on people that didn’t even do anything wrong. I feel really bad, because I do like all of the people that I work with, I just hate feeling like I am someones personal little bitch.

I wont take that anymore. I am so done with that place, I am so down working for my “manager”. I put that word in quotes, because I feel she doesn’t even deserve that title for us, because the only time she makes any effort to speak with us, it’s to scold us, or to let us know our hours are cut, or for some other stupid reason.

I hate her, and I can’t stand being fake to her anymore. It’s so bad that now I’m speaking to her with such a lifeless tone, and unenthusiastic attitude. I just really hate the fact that she is fake, and will compliment me on some things. I’m just not falling for it.

Anyways… I named this post “Progress” because I’m finally making some kind of effort to move on with this job, and find something better. I’m going to transfer to the new store in Laguna, and hopefully do sales there for a little bit. My goal is to learn how to better myself in working with customers, before I transfer back to a full line store. Since this is my first job, and I rarely have any interactions with customers, I think that this is my safest bet into becoming a good sales person. If I want to sell, I want to be the best. I would totally just love to jump into sales right now at my current store, but with my current state of mind, and my insecurity with some of the people I work with, I know I would fail harder than life.

So I suppose this will just be an alternative step for me, a little detour perhaps. I’m hoping that this all works out for the best, and when I do return to the Spectrum, I’ll be able to make it my best.

I’m just going to be really sad when I leave. I love all the managers that I work with (minus my manager), and a few of the other people that I work with, but I really need to just do something for myself for once, and learn a thing or two on my own. You only live once, and I’ve been taking a two year break doing absolutely nothing, it’s time I step up, and do something now.

—-

I went out and bought this book, “Understanding Exposure” by Bryan Peterson. For the rest of my night tonight, I’ll be staying in, and hopefully learning a thing or two about how to take the best pictures, and make the best use out of my new DSLR camera.

Damn, I hate having to work early, I can’t even enjoy my Friday nights anymore!

I don't know.

Thu, 17 Jul 2008 23:39:37 -0700

I don’t know why I am so unhappy.

I have everything I could want, and more. I have the few good friends that have stuck by me these last years. I am pretty stable, I’d say. I just don’t know how come I am so miserable all the time.

I know what part of the problem is, I just can’t fess up to it, because to me it sounds so stupid, and childish, I don’t even want to talk about it on here.

I need some serious help.

Thoughts.

Wed, 16 Jul 2008 21:55:34 -0700

I need to get away.
I want to experience something new.
I need to find something that will give me some spark again.

Basically, I’m never happy with anything that I produce. I remember when I first got into design and photography, I had ideas, and most of the time I was able to make those ideas a reality. Even though they weren’t always the most spectactular pieces of work to hit the internet, I was still more than satisfied with what I was able to produce.

Not so much anymore. I do get ideas from time to time, but I never make them a reality because: a) I don’t know how to do them or b) I’m just too lazy to learn how to do them.

I know I can fix the lazy problem, it’s just hard to get motivated and actually want to sit down, and read, and experiment. Ugh, I need to go to school soon, I’m sure I’ll be able to get some sort of ideas, and have that creative spark that used to be in me again.

In Between.

Wed, 16 Jul 2008 15:59:05 -0700

I suppose I can Tumblr whenever my other blog is down, just for a place to vent, rant, whatever…

In the past 48 hours, I’ve pretty much ended my friendship with a lot of people.
It’s time to move on.

Intellectual?

Sun, 22 Jun 2008 18:23:00 -0700

Doesn’t fit you well.
Drugs are bad kids, drugs are bad.

My minds in disturbia.

Thu, 19 Jun 2008 22:10:00 -0700

In a way I am relieved to find out that the worst case scenario in Kevin’s death, isn’t true. I’m glad that we all got closure as to what happened with Kevin. I prayed for it, and I’m sure God heard my prayers, along with everyone elses.

Even though now we know what happened, my heart is still in pain, not as much pain as when I first heard the news of Kevin’s death, but still very much close to it. I haven’t been able to cry, but when I do it all just comes out at once, like one big wave. Even when I am happy, mad, sad, or whatever strange moods I am in, the feeling of sorrow is always there. I have come to realize it now more than ever.

I was bored this evening, so I decided to mess around.

Photo

Thu, 19 Jun 2008 17:29:14 -0700

Louder now.

Wed, 18 Jun 2008 19:49:00 -0700

I’ve come to conclusion with myself that I need to start finding happiness in the things that I enjoy doing. I obviously can’t rely on my friends anymore. I’ve been spending a lot of time to myself lately, more time than I’ve usually committed to myself. It’s relieving in a way.

I don’t want to be like 90% of my friends that aren’t going anywhere in life. I’m so glad I’m over the pot-smoking stage, and hardcore partying phase. My head is clearer than ever, and I’m ready to accomplish a lot of my goals. I don’t want to have to worry about being broke because I spent my last $20 dollars on a sack of pot that’ll only last me a few hours, or a couple of days. Trust me, I know a lot of people like that. It’s just not worth it anymore. I’m soo over the high school bullshit that I get from some of my friends, even the ones that graduated the same year as me! It’s pure comedy.

On the other hand - FLAKES. I absolutely cannot stand a flake, at all. Especially, if you’ve flaked on me more than a few times this year. Don’t make plans with me, if you can’t even commit. I rarely ever flake. I don’t want to waste other peoples times, so please, don’t waste mine. It just boggles me how some of my friends make plans with me a week in advance, to just let me down at the very-last-minute. Like, okay, it makes no sense. Not only that, but I hate the lies that go along with flaking. Please come up with something more original, and clever, because I for one am not stupid.

Lastly. You know those friends that get into a relationship with someone, and completely forget about you? But then the moment they break up, you’re back in their life? It’s rediculous. I shouldn’t have to wait for your relationship to end, for ours to resume again. It doesn’t work like that for me anymore. What a way to be a shitty friend, seriously. After everything that I’ve done for a few of you that do this to me, this is how you repay me? No more.

I have absolutely no time for anyone that fits in the three categories above. If you can’t figure out what those ‘categories’ are, let me break it down for you. losers, flakes and shitty friends. Got it? Good. I am not going to set myself up anymore to just be let down. I find myself more angrier than ever, and it’s just not worth putting time into friends that don’t give a shit about me and my feelings, and my time. So good riddance to you!

For anyone that doesn’t know me, I’m not a mean person at all. In fact, I care about everyone that I meet. It’s just shitty that people that I’ve known for a few good years, seem to just no longer care about me. Kinda sucks, but hey, people drift apart all the time. I’m finally realizing this, and accepting it. It’s life.

I’m gonna make damn sure, that the dreams that I have in the back of my head, will become a reality. The people that I want in my life in the end of all this, will really be happy they stuck around. I have a game plan for everything that I do, and now that I am more focused than ever, nothing, nobody, can stop me. My desire to succeed is stronger than ever.

Even though it is hard for me to stand on my two feet again on my own because of Kevin’s death, I will make my life worth something. I will make him proud, my family, and even the people that I’ve pretty much let go. I will make them wish they were still in my life. I’m doing it all for me, for Kevin, and for my family. Boo-yah.

& I truly hope that for those who really do have dreams of being something, anything. You find the strength and courage to move on and let go of whatever is dragging you down, and just do it.

Edit/ Let me make this clear as well. This isn’t a personal attack on anyone. So please stop thinking about yourself for once.

Video

Tue, 17 Jun 2008 21:39:05 -0700

Reassuring.

Mon, 16 Jun 2008 23:06:04 -0700

It’s helpful, and comforting to know that their are other people that feel the same way about missing Kevin.

Still, to this day I am missing him more than ever.

Testing the strong ones.

Mon, 16 Jun 2008 00:11:00 -0700

I’ve been very productive lately. Today I almost finished my photography Myspace account. I really like how it turned out. I am also thinking of getting the d300 instead of the d80. We’ll see though…

I need to find new friends. A lot of the ones in the area are so full of drama, or we have absolutely nothing in common. I’ve been so bored lately, and not having anyone to really talk too. It’s late nights like these I wish Kevin was around, I would talk to him for hours, but now the nights are so lonely.

Everyday my life is starting to get back together, slowly. Although, I still think about Kevin, all the time. Shit, every other couple of minutes I find myself thinking about him. I get so happy during the day, and it all gets shot down back to depression mode. I just really, miss him. His friends have been so helpful, I can’t thank them enough. I just really want him back, and I know that’ll never happen, but it’s something I’m just not wanting to accept. Knowing me, it’ll take me awhile to try and move on. I’m getting my tattoo for him in a couple of weeks, I can’t really describe it, so whoever reads this will just have to wait till I post some pictures.

Faith.

Wed, 11 Jun 2008 22:01:35 -0700

Growing up, I was raised in a Catholic family, I’ve always had faith in the Lord, even when times were dark, I’ve always had faith. Lately, I’m not sure what to believe though, these past years I’ve been drifting away from the Lord, and having so many questions, that aren’t able to be answered. After Kevin’s death, I’ve felt like my faith has been renewed. I pray every night now.

I just want to believe, that we all go to a better place in the end, and are able to be happy with our loved ones. I just want to be able to spend time with the ones who loved me, and was a joy to have in my life. My grandma and Kevin for example.

All I can do, is have faith that the Lord is in fact, real, and just believe that in the end, I will be reunited with the ones I hold close to my heart.